A Mid-Year Emergency Session of the Board of We the People LLC
Opening Statement from the Chairman
Subject: Six-Month Performance Review — CEO Donald J. Trump
Date: Fiscal Q2, Reality Optional
[Transcript begins]
Esteemed Board Members,
We reconvene not as optimists, but as survivors – a little over six months into Donald J. Trump’s reinstated tenure as CEO of We the People LLC. Upon his return, many hoped for reflection, moderation, or perhaps a masterclass in executive course correction. Instead, we’ve witnessed the rapid resurrection of grievance-fueled governance, where loyalty is currency, oversight is sabotage, and basic competence has been demoted to “unnecessary overhead.”
It is now the midyear mark. And while Fortune 500s traditionally use this moment to assess growth and strategic alignment, we find ourselves reviewing memes, mugshots and manufactured vendettas.
From efforts to expand executive immunity faster than a CFO inflates quarterly earnings, to headline-chasing initiatives that seem less like policy and more like performance art in a collapsing theater, the signs are clear: Our CEO is once again running this democracy like he’s trying to write off the republic on his taxes.
This session is not ceremonial. It’s triage.
Let us proceed with the metrics – red, alarming and largely on fire.
[Gavel slams. The teleprompter quietly weeps.]
Performance Metrics: Six Months of Strategic Whiplash
Since resuming command of We the People LLC, CEO Trump has treated governance less like a stewardship role and more like a grudge match in a collapsing amphitheater. What follows is a breakdown of key performance indicators, all redder than his campaign hats and just as inflammatory.
Personnel Management: Oversight Purge, Act II
The CEO continues his crusade against what he calls the “Deep State” – now updated to include anyone with a credential, a conscience, or a copy of the Constitution.
- Senior federal prosecutors have resigned or been abruptly ousted.
- Whistleblowers reporting ethical breaches face immediate reassignment or defamation.
- Agency watchdogs describe a culture of fear dressed up as “loyalty enforcement.”
Insight: Staff turnover is no longer a metric – it’s an exit strategy for ethics.
Public Communication Strategy: The Algorithm Is Angry
Trump’s media approach remains unchanged, but louder. Public statements resemble emotional Yelp reviews of the nation itself.
- Weekly tirades include calls to jail political opponents and retribution-based governance.
- Social media surrogates and official comms blur lines between campaign messaging and state priorities.
- Press briefings now resemble performance art, with flags, slogans, and the occasional veiled threat.
Insight: If messaging is your product, ours now includes all-caps warnings and legally actionable speculation.
Policy Clarity and Execution: Direction Unknown
Six months in, initiatives appear to prioritize vengeance, spectacle, or lawsuits over strategic planning.
- Executive actions are drafted more for headlines than implementation.
- Key appointments to federal agencies go to ideological loyalists with resumes padded by cable news appearances.
- Foreign policy is reduced to memes, muscle flexing, and long-distance subtweeting.
Insight: The company’s mission statement has been replaced with a vibes-based operating system.
Shareholder Confidence: Shrinking by the Subpoena
Investor (read: citizen) confidence has slipped below acceptable thresholds.
- International partners recalibrate – cautious about long-term partnerships with a CEO who calls allies freeloaders and dictators “smart guys.”
- Domestic unrest simmers beneath executive rhetoric that seems to confuse leadership with provocation.
Insight: If this were a publicly traded company, the board would be hiding under the conference table with a burner phone and a fake name tag.
Violation of Fiduciary Duty
Being CEO of We the People LLC comes with a few basic expectations: protect the institution, uphold the bylaws (commonly referred to as the Constitution), and avoid treating national power like a punch card at a private golf club. Unfortunately, our current executive seems to interpret fiduciary duty the same way he interprets traffic laws: optional if rich, irrelevant if famous.
Executive Privilege or Extended Perk Program?
- Frequent trips to branded properties, where the national press pool pays for overpriced buffet eggs and security detail gets billed at resort rates.
- Blurred lines between official business and promotional pit stops that feel more like influencer retreats than statecraft.
Insight: The line between leadership and loyalty rewards has collapsed into a Mar-a-Lago beach towel.
Legal Firewall Evasion: The Subscription Model
- Attempts to broaden executive immunity beyond recognition, essentially pitching himself as a one-man untouchable class of governance.
- Legal team arguments now indistinguishable from late-night infomercials: “But wait—if you call the President a criminal, he’s not actually the President! And if he’s not the President, he can’t be charged with abusing presidential power!”
Insight: If fiduciary duty is accountability’s twin, this administration’s been pushing a long-lost sibling plot twist.
Using Government as a Personal Defense Fund
- Public appearances and press briefings increasingly double as fundraising appeals—often from behind official seals.
- Campaign and legal messaging bleeds into government channels like someone accidentally swapped out the org chart for a crowdfunding dashboard.
Insight: When the CEO uses the company letterhead to beg for donations to fight lawsuits caused by… being CEO, we’ve officially breached the firewall between statecraft and stagecraft.
Legalese Addendum
Per Clause 7(a)(1) of the Basic Trust Not to Torch the Constitution Agreement: The Chief Executive shall not use government resources, intelligence briefings, or ceremonial podiums to enrich, defend, or mythologize themselves unless expressly authorized by a unanimous vote of Reality. Violations will result in immediate review, revocation of metaphorical keycard, and a seat at the long table of disgraced CEOs.
Company Culture & Internal Morale
A toxic blend of paranoia, sycophancy, and “mandatory fun” that makes employee engagement look like a hostage negotiation.
From Day 1 of the CEO’s return, the internal climate at We the People LLC has deteriorated faster than an unsigned NDA in a leaky filing cabinet. The culture is no longer just broken, it’s actively gaslighting itself.
Leadership Style: Fire-First, Ask Questions Later
- Staffers live under constant threat of public humiliation or worse, being replaced by a Truth Social post ending in four exclamation points.
- Cabinet meetings resemble confessionals with a reality-show host: loyalty oaths optional, but highly encouraged for those who enjoy keeping their jobs.
- Internal memos increasingly include phrases like “as discussed with Legal” and “please burn after reading.”
Insight: Traditional morale-boosting tools like team-building exercises have been replaced with daily scavenger hunts for plausible deniability.
Communication Breakdown: All-Hands on Deck (and Defcon 3)
- Senior officials learn about policy shifts via livestreams or late-night rants that appear to have been written entirely in caps lock and grievance.
- Inter-office communication is mostly side-eyes and draft resignation letters.
- The only “open door policy” involves who’s being thrown under the bus this week.
Insight: Nothing fosters workplace trust like discovering you’ve been fired during a rally in Michigan.
Symbolic Imagery Check-In
- The office eagle has molted early.
- The staff coffee maker only brews “patriotic roast” now, and somehow it tastes like subpoenas.
- The suggestion box has been rebranded “Snitch Line” with a QR code linked to a loyalty tracker.
Attrition Forecast
- Burnout rates up. Resignation letters creatively formatted as poem, haiku, or interpretive dance.
- Ghost employees now outnumber living ones. Many left quietly, some not at all, their cubicles frozen in time.
Insight: Our workplace culture is no longer toxic. It’s airborne.
Brand Damage & Shareholder Revolt
Our public image is now sponsored by chaos—and no one wants the naming rights.
Domestic Trust Index: Subterranean and Shrinking
- Voter confidence in institutional leadership is in freefall, accelerated by CEO Trump’s frequent assertions that elections are rigged unless he wins.
- In a bold attempt to reduce government “waste,” CEO Trump’s latest budget “win” slashed funding for Medicare and food assistance programs because nothing says fiscal responsibility like telling grandma to crowdsource her insulin and make her soup stretch until November.
- Proposed Medicare changes include caps on services, increased costs and a dazzling new incentive called “aging quietly.”
- Public briefings toggle between self-congratulation and veiled threats, leaving citizens unsure whether they’re shareholders, suspects, or background extras.
- Insight: It’s tough to inspire loyalty when your CEO treats half the customer base like saboteurs and the other half like a live studio audience while telling working-class voters to tighten their belts – ideally until they vanish.
International Standing: Allies Ghosted, Adversaries Toasted
- Longstanding diplomatic partners have adopted a polite but unmistakable flinch whenever the CEO speaks at global summits.
- Foreign leaders describe the current approach to diplomacy as “unpredictable,” “concerning,” and in one case, “a group text gone rogue.”
- Photo ops outnumber policy follow-through by a factor of twelve.
Insight: When your CEO inspires more confidence in autocrats than allies, your brand starts to smell like opportunism in a flag wrapper.
Public Backlash & Emerging Opposition
- The company’s customer base (a.k.a. voters) has begun to organize a coordinated revolt. Rallies, investigations, and court challenges now outpace actual legislative progress.
- The shareholder report includes a spike in whistleblower activity, grassroots mobilization, and CEOs of other nations refusing to take our calls.
Insight: No PR campaign can outspin a brand collapse happening in real time on every screen, in every language, with its own trending hashtag.
Stockholder Feedback Loop
★☆☆☆☆ — “Would not invest again. Product unstable, warranty voided by executive order.”
★★☆☆☆ — “Felt like a strongman cosplay with very loud PowerPoints. Unsubscribed.”
⭐️☆☆☆☆ — “I asked for lower taxes and national stability. I got indictments and merch and a Big Ugly Bill.”
Letter of Termination
Subject: Termination of Employment — Donald J. Trump
From: The Board of We the People LLC
Effective: Retroactively ASAP
Mr. Trump,
After more than six months of executive malpractice, institutional erosion, and brand demolition, each day more surreal than the last, we regret to inform you that the Board has voted unanimously to terminate your employment as Chief Executive Officer of We the People LLC. This decision was reached in accordance with Article III of the Bylaws and Article I of Basic Common Sense.
Your leadership has failed to meet even the minimum expectations of the role. These include, but are not limited to:
- Upholding factual integrity (not redefining it via all-caps on social media)
- Preserving public trust (instead of blackmailing it with campaign merch)
- Fostering national unity (instead of turning the company into a civil war reenactment with live ammo)
Despite multiple opportunities for course correction, you persisted in treating this sacred role as a branding exercise performed on a live grenade. You have turned the People’s company into a legal defense fund, a dystopian talent show and a revolving door for lawsuits.
Therefore, on behalf of the Board, the shareholders, the Constitution, and what remains of basic decency, we say, with neither applause nor ceremony:
YOU’RE FIRED.
We wish you the best in your post-executive pursuits, ideally far from any decision-making structure not made of finger paint and glitter glue. Your keycard has been deactivated, your podium has been repossessed, and your last press statement has been forwarded to the satire desk at The Onion.
Security will escort you out. Yes, the metaphorical kind, but also the literal one. Just in case.
Sincerely,
The Board of Directors
We the People LLC
Acting on behalf of Shareholders, Whistleblowers, and Anyone Who’s Tired